I’ve been feeling off balance lately, more so on a roller-coaster. Career-wise, emotionally, and spiritually. Getting thrown off balance can make you feel more anxious than usual, you may be wanting to isolate yourself and just sleep, or you may even be falling into a slight state of depression. Doing so, we don’t realize how much of a toll we’re putting on our body, our brain, and our heart. As I’ve said multiple times, I am not here to give advice – I’m here to state the obvious and say things that you may possibly relate to. To create a community and let you know that it’s OK. When we hear it through another person, we don’t sound as crazy. Personally, emotions always take a toll on me, subconsciously. I say subconsciously because I don’t notice it. I make myself so busy that I ignore my own issues until someone relatively close to me brings it up. “I don’t think that’s healthy“, “Take a break from things“, or “Maybe you should take a breather“. I tend to get myself so deep into situations, that settling almost sounds better than climbing out of that dark hole that I’ve made myself extremely comfortable in. Where routine anxiety becomes a daily, or crying (for no reason) becomes a daily, or even just giving up on goals. That sh*t is not something to keep pushing to the side. Being off balance like that adds more stress because I’m constantly trying to figure out what is the root of all this. Or maybe I know the root but don’t want to come to terms with it. I don’t know about y’all but I talk to myself, and I also talk to God. I’ve put in so many prayer requests I know God is probably like “I heard you the first 100 times, I got you just chill and be patient”. Patience, a virtue.
Keeping a daily journal, I’ve realized that most of this stress and emotion isn’t actually brought on by work, health or finances. It’s brought on by another person. Yup, you guessed it – a man. Ah, good ole emotional stress (which I personally would say is the worst). Having someone in your life who makes you happy is truly a blessing, but letting that same person hurt you is NOT a blessing (the devil). LOL, all jokes aside…the situation that I’ve recently been entertaining has turned into an unhealthy one. I’m not talking about a person physically hurting you (don’t ignore that either), but mentally hurting and draining you. You think that when things are great, it outweighs the negatives. But those negatives start to build up, and you start taking small things more serious. Then thinking hmm, maybe I need to communicate more, we can fix this. Right? Because ultimately, you don’t want to lose this amazing person, who as of now has treated you better than all your bum a** exes. Once everything is fixed, you fall in love some more and enjoy the good times. Ahh but then something else happens, again……….and again……..and again. To the point where you’ve fixed it so much, it doesn’t even look the same way it did when you started. Personally up’s and down’s make me lose interest each time. BUT, I’m already in the situation thus far – why go back, just settle. It’ll get better, if I just do ____ or if he can just _____, well be OK. And THIS is where the line is drawn. Let that shit go.
As much as you want it to be, you can’t force things. If you’ve “fixed” it more than once, and the same issues are occurring – leave. Even if you don’t want to, even if you feel the person will change, or maybe you feel you’re the one that was “sent” to help them move forward. NO. Give it some space, for your own sake. Tearing yourself down to build another person up is NOT how life works. Who’s going to build you back up? Take a breather, stop forcing and let life flow.
It’s sounds easier on paper than in reality, trust me. I’m just now coming to terms with this after months of back and forth. Prior to this I was going back and forth with someone for 8ish years (first love issues). That shit is not worth it. You would think I’ve learned my lesson on trying to fix broken men – UH … NA.
As of recently, I’ve been practicing mindfulness, living in the present moment. Not trying to change the past or plan the future. It’s hard as sh*t, I’m a planner. I like to map everything out the way I want it to be (and yet it never turns out the way I want it to be). Instead, it turns out better than what I expected, but I am always so afraid of the unknown and where things are going that I NEED to have a plan. When in reality, all I needed was patience and faith. What’s for me was coming my way anyway. Coming to terms with those thoughts that I’ve pushed to the back of my mind, and ignoring my heart for a moment has made me look at myself from the outside in. If this was a situation your best friend was going through what would you do? What would you say to them? Exactly. Things would be switched around completely because your heart is not involved. The mind is such a powerful tool that we don’t even take complete advantage of. We’re so consumed by others and wanting them to be in control of our happiness, instead of US being in control.
If this sounds similar to a situation you’re in or a specific person has popped into your head, take a deep breath. Let it go, stop pushing things to your subconscious mind and face it. It’s uncomfortable, and you may have to grieve for a bit. If it’s not flowing, give it some space. Go on a detox from that person, see if your life has changed for the better (AND DON’T GO LURKING, it’s going to make you miserable). You’ll be fine, you were fine before.
Do you realize how magnificent you are?
Peace and Blessings,