Red flags. We’ve all seen them, and we’ve all walked right past them. Why is it that we get so infatuated with a person that we completely ignore all negative and toxic traits? Yet if we’re looking at it from the outside in, there would be no way that we’d settle for that sh*t.
Alright, let’s back up. I’ve noticed mainly in women, that we try to give men the benefit of the doubt (do we not?). We date for a bit, start feeling all the emotions and butterflies – ah love. Then we see the first red flag, whether if it’s an attitude, toxic trait, or even something physical. BUT YET, we look at it and keep it moving. Speaking for myself, I see it, come up with all the negatives then completely throw all of that out the window and say “well maybe he’ll change, I can change him”. Again, a lot of us have been there before. I’m sure a lot of us have realized you CANT change him, sis. He needs a therapist and you need to run the other way NOW. Kidding, but in some rare cases, the man (or partner) will possibly change and get their sh*t together. If you’ve done all you can do and your other half still isn’t putting in the effort to make this change work, then it’s over beloved. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make the horse drink; it’s just that simple.
In my past few situationrelationkindadating experiences, I’ve ignored red flags from the very beginning, the middle, and the end. Seriously, you think back and say how could I let that sh*t slide? After beating myself up and thinking, we have to learn and break the continuous pattern. The first red flag I noticed in the most recent situationrelationdatingship was a toxic trait, anger to be specific. It’s crazy because I thought to myself at that moment “hmm, this is kinda like a red flag, should I even bother getting to know this guy more?” — Yeah well….red flag ignored. From that first week for about 10/11 months, it continued and spiraled all the way downhill. Another flag for myself was my energy shifting. After being around a person, especially someone you’re very much interested in; you should be happy and filled with high frequency. In this case, I would find myself crying more, for almost no reason or just after speaking/seeing the person (which is something I don’t do). It was all great, but most times, it really wasn’t. I was trying to figure out why I’d been crying so much the past couple of months, what changes have I made in my life? I started a new job, got into graduate school, I was traveling but HE had also been added to the picture and that was my sign. Why is it always hard to let go of someone who you KNOW isn’t good for you? Y’all, the physical findings and other females who played a key role in this toxicity wasn’t even phasing me. I’ve been through a lot of sh*t so I tend to accuse (which is my own toxic trait). But I’m trying to get myself together and evolve, yet I kept feeling “crazy” for accusing this man and continuously bringing up scenarios, which he denied (bullsh*t). It’s like we do these things to ourselves, instead of leaving when we see the first problem arise, or the second, or the third. It shouldn’t take 10 continuous red flags, and you should never continuously question the love (or care) someone has for you, but for some reason we still feel stuck or still miss them when you know they aren’t good for you or giving you what you deserve. We settle.
A wise man I work with told me to know my worth, and add tax. He told me to understand my patterns, see what I’m overlooking and never overlook them again. It’s not worth it. He was right, upon seeing something that you may think is a red flag, deem it as a red flag because there aren’t any half-a** red flags honey. RED IS RED. If it concerns you, bring it up (another thing we do is keep it to ourselves or tell our girlfriends). Bring it up to your partner, let them know why it bothers you, how you plan to go about fixing it. If your partner (like mine) completely dismisses the conversation or turns it into an argument, leave sis. Just get out and save your time and MONEY. Go with your gut and not your heart (or your hooha). That gut feeling isn’t there for no reason.
After learning your lesson for the fifth time, understand and do what’s best for YOU. If keeping a journal and writing out negative traits that ALL your exes have in common, maybe your “type” isn’t what’s best for you. Stop ignoring the flags, you know you see them. If you continue to be blindsided by these flags, congratulations, you played yourself *DJ Khaled voice*.
“If you ignore the red flags, embrace the heartache to come”Amanda Mosher
Peace & Blessings,